The government has said there will not be an apology over Britain's role in the transatlantic slave trade, when King Charles and Sir Keir Starmer visit the Commonwealth summit in Samoa next week.

A Downing Street spokesperson had already ruled out financial reparations.

Last year, the King spoke of his "greatest sorrow and regret" at the "wrongdoings" of the colonial era on a visit to Kenya, but stopped short of an apology, which would have depended on the agreement of ministers.

The Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting, to be held in Samoa on 25 and 26 October, will bring together the leaders of 56 countries.

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c0qzkg0ldqzo

Being vital deportment behavioural protocols in the face of British flapdoodle.

Hands up everyone who is excited beyond all province that Australia will be visited fleetingly this month by the head of an inbred, dysfunctional English family? Yes: thought so.

With stoicism, let us face the brutal truth that Charles has invited himself on this sojourn and will obligingly raid the public piggy-bank while most Australians cannot even afford to eat cake.

However, it won’t do for us to forget our forelock-tug manners until the whole thing blows over. Herewith, some utterly vital tips to commit to the fore-lobe.

What to call these obsolescent creatures? Is it ‘Your Maj’ and ‘Your Royal Harness’ on first encounter, with ‘sir’ and ‘ma’am’ on subsequent mentions? Son William says he just wants to be called ‘William’ “because it’s my name.” Good for you, Billy-boy. But Charles? ‘Your Anachronicity’ is quite pithy. But let’s follow the polo crowd and call him ‘Chukka.’ With everyone else, “mate” will suffice. “Dawg” is discouraged.

Can we get physical? Go ahead, stick out your hand. If he fails to grasp it (or its meaning) that’s his fault, and he’s probably got his mitt in a Napoleonic jacket-tuck anyways. Women also have the option to cutesy if their birthday falls before January 1 … 1901.

Actually, you’re not meant to touch them at all. They are supposed to remain hermetically sealed in their original boxes, otherwise they lose all collectible value. But Paul (“lizard of Oz”) Keating dared to paw Chukka’s mum; Michelle Obama even wrapped HRH in a democratic hug and the old girl didn’t break. LeBron James threw a gangly arm around Catherine Cambridge for a selfie. Apparently, touching is not an absolute, punishable ban, so go the grope. Enjoy.

Dang it: be bold: plant a big, wet one on Chukka. Cottesloe Beach 1979. He loves that.

Observe the Dress Code: no singlets, no thongs – no knight hoodies.

Never look Chukka in the eye. Not only does this put the frighteners on him, but his defence mode automatically kicks in and you’ll turn into a Pillar of Salt-and-Vinegar crisps. Best to keep your eyes on the shag and back slowly away until you reach the soil of a friendly Republic.

And, whatever you do, don’t mention the (civil) war. In the height of rudeness, in 1649, the Original Charles had his head lopped by a vulgar mob. Charles the Sequel was reinstated when things calmed down but he ended up dissolving parliament and doing the Absolute Ruler thing. The whole matter is probably quite a cringe-fest for Second Sequel Chukka (shades of Beverly Hills Cop III).

And what’s the go with your man’s wife? Chukka’s great uncle, Seventh Sequel Edward, wasn’t allowed to marry a divorcee (Wallis’ ex had the bad taste to still be alive, y’see) but Chukka has been allowed (his ex, Di, was dead, but Peter Parker Bowles breathes still). And Eddie-Eight couldn’t marry a Yank, but Harry Sussex has. Who could blame poor old E8 should he rise from his grave? Yech: we’d have to re-bury him.

In short, don’t take any guff from these people. After all, if not for a quirk in the birth lottery, Chukka might have been born in Gaza and, right now, be dodging British-supplied missiles.

Chukka is younger – and shorter – than both Biden and Trump, but just remember: nobody elected him. Even the Pope must face the fickleness of the voting system. Ditto Celebrity Big Bother personages.

Another thought: it might be best to just totally ignore this foreign grifter.

Back in Ireland, in the Bad Times of Famine, Eviction, and the Protestant Ascendency, the poor tenant farmers – forced to rent land they once owned – suffered under odious estate agents who acted for absentee British landlords.

Peasant farmers and labourers turned desperate as their rents were raised and their holdings reduced. Violence simmered among those under the boot-heel of one particularly venal agent. But Irish reformer Charles Stewart Parnell urged a psychological tack.

Shun those who would stand over you “as if he was a leper of old”. Shun him on the road, in the streets of the town, across the shop counter, at the fair and the market-place, even in the house of worship – “show him your detestation”.

This strategy took its name from its first victim: Charles Cunningham Boycott.

A boycott of Chukka’s visit might be preferable to running the risk of fauxing any unwitting pas. Remember Menzies the Merciless. His only crime was to coin an excruciatingly sucky aphorism about First Sequel Elizabeth “passing by.” And the result? Britain rained nukes upon Australia for the next five years.

https://johnmenadue.com/etiquette-tips-for-awed-commoners/

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https://michaelwest.com.au/not-the-house-scam-of-the-week/

Michael West established Michael West Media in 2016 to focus on journalism of high public interest, particularly the rising power of corporations over democracy. West was formerly a journalist and editor with Fairfax newspapers, a columnist for News Corp and even, once, a stockbroker.

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YOURDEMOCRACY.NET RECORDS HISTORY AS IT SHOULD BE — NOT AS THE WESTERN MEDIA WRONGLY REPORTS IT.

NOTE: ROYAL FAMILIES ARE SCAMS FROM PAST ERAS BUT WE'RE STILL ATTACHED TO THE BUGGERS.... TRADITIONS, YOU KNOW...