‘Hello, my name is Andrew & I’m here to help.’

Now I know that many of you were shocked by the wicked behaviour of around 100 Muslim demonstrators in Sydney this week, but don’t worry, we have the situation under control.

To those wicked extremist Muslim offenders, who might think that such behaviour is acceptable in this country, let me remind you that ‘this is not Libya’ & we don’t do things like that in this country. To see a young child with a placard thrust in his hand, calling for the beheading of a person is simply something I cannot comprehend. It's just not what we teach our children." (Besides, little Johnnie is far too busy shooting those evil terrorists up on his Pacman to be worried about signage.)

Now, some of you might think that my comments are a little hypocritical, given our recent history: the violent anglo-celtic attacks on the Australian Parliament in 1996; the violent race riots in Cronulla in 2005; the violent anti-racist demonstrations by Indian students in Melbourne & Sydney in 2009 or more recently the anti-carbon tax, anti-mining-tax, anti-gay marriage, anti-whaling, anti-Julia, anti-everything protests everywhere, to mention just a few.

Some older members of our audience might even recall the wonderful Moratorium movement in 1969/1970, when hundreds of thousands of anglo-celt Australians protested around the country, in often violent demonstrations, against our involvement in the Vietnam War … those were the days.

But you new people have to understand that only real Awstraylans are allowed the privilege of such behaviour. If you can’t accept that, you should go back to where you came from.

Just because we accept that Alan Jones can broadcast racist slurs by referring to ‘Lebanese thugs’ & say that the Prime Minister ‘should be put in a chaff bag & dumped at sea’, doesn’t mean that you can parade around the place with nasty signs. Just because anglo-celts can carry signs saying ‘Ditch the Witch’ or ‘JuLIAR – Bob Brown’s bitch’, doesn’t mean that we have to accept your offensive ways.

You nasty kaftan-wearing people have to get with the program.

As I’ve observed many times, ‘you don’t wear a balaclava, you don’t wear a face-covering unless you’re going to get up to badness & we saw plenty of those in the crowd.’ So lose those skull caps & burquas quick smart.

Of course, as we know that you’ll understand, Police & Special Branch folk are not subject to this restriction for obvious reasons. If we are to have a truly open & democratic society, it’s important that law enforcement can go about its business anonymously & without undue restriction. But, as a well-known ex Queensland Premier once said ‘you never mind about that’.

Now, for any recidivists among you, please understand that we are well-prepared for any follow-up protests or "stupid" retaliatory attacks. Remember, as my old hero, former Premier Robert Askin who, when confronted by those anglo-celt anti-Vietnam War demonstrators back in 1970, whilst hosting visiting US President, Lyndon Johnson, in Sydney, allegedly said: we’re ready to ‘run over the bastards’.