The Editor,
Sydney Morning Herald.                                                 September 16, 2006.

John Howard’s Citizenship test simply isn’t tough enough (“Embracing old and new. Now that’s cricket”, SMH, September 16).

Of course proficiency in English is an essential requirement for all Australians. How else could newcomers understand what they are letting themselves in for? How else can they expect to grasp the sophisticated level of public debate that we enjoy? How else to understand the richness of our media content & late night parliamentary debates? And how else will they understand the wonderful flexibility of the English language, able to birth such phraseology as “core values”, “core truths”, “aspirational prosperity”, “in the public interest” & “freedom of information”?

But we could do so much more.

Celebrity Citizenship “tests” could be conducted in public places, like Bondi, where the general populace could directly judge the suitability of hopeful new entrants. Pauline Hanson could host these outdoor events, with aspirant Citizens being quizzed on their knowledge of critical Australian historical & cultural questions, such as “who was Phar Lap”; “who is our greatest Prime Minister”; “what is a duck”; “who is Alan Jones”; “what is a tax loophole”; “did the dingo do it”; “who was gerrymander” & “what is the name of the 51^st state of America”?

This oral challenge could be enlarged by requiring contestants to sing the 2^nd verse of our National Anthem, whilst demonstrating proficiency in important practical cultural skills, such as flag waving, wet tee-shirt wearing, mooning, boning, thong-throwing & two-up.

Let public acclamation be the judge for Citizenship: thumbs-up, you’re in; thumbs-down & it’s run the gauntlet of the crowd before heading back to Christmas Island for another four years of remedial learning.

What better way to protect Australian values & keep us safe?