I just can’t help feeling discriminated against by BHP Billiton. It’s not just that I like to eat three-day-old goat korma for lunch at my desk. It's not even my proclivity for satin loafers in deep hues of magenta. No, what’s really got me considering a human rights test case is the miner’s pre-employment medical assessment questionnaire.

“Have you developed a shaking in your hands?” Only before lunch. “Do you find it difficult to remember things?” Only after lunch. “Do you often feel irritated for no reason?” There’s always a good reason; I just can’t remember what it is.

The test then moves on to ask your likelihood of falling asleep while sitting and talking to someone. I’ve made small talk with some turgid people in my time, but seriously?!

Here’s where it gets really heinous: “Have you ever felt you needed a drink first thing in the morning (eye-opener) to steady your nerves or to get rid of a hangover?” These HR/safety types really think the worst of us, don’t they?

Everyone knows the FIRST thing drunk in the morning (consumed in bed) is a “pre-sharpener” and the one downed in the shower is a “sharpener”. The eye-opener is simply the first one you crack open post-ablutions.

The exam in question applies to all 1200-ish employees – even the paper-shufflers – at the Gemco manganese mine in the Northern Territory, but presumably there are similar checks done right around the group. These mining softies wouldn’t last long in a newsroom.

BHP Medical Quizz - Enough To Turn You To Drink