Somerset as Stand-In – Funeral Etiquette for Abandoned Lads

In the Unted States at least 25% of homes are without a Father. (Representing 18 Million children.)

In the United Kingdom another 25% of homes are single-parent, and of these 80% lack a Father.

In Germany over 18% of homes with minor children are single-parent, about 86% having no Father.

In France 30% of kids are living single-parent, in 85% of the cases enduring life absent a Father.

In Russia almost 40% of all children reside with a singular parent, nearly 90% of these lack a Father.

BY GUY SOMERSET

None of which is to shame any country specifically, but obviously there a ton of little boys who need a male Role Model in their lives for a variety of reasons…not least of which to teach them basics of living.

So if you are a child, or adult in the aftermath of such situation, allow Yours Truly to assist.

Today, we talk about things a Father should teach regarding Funerals. (Trust, you'll want to learn.)

Alright, you had a rough time growing up so probably there were plenty of things you needed guidance on you never received.

Most glaring of such instructions are the incidents you never consider until you confront the situation.

Whatever manner you arrived on the planet, allow Your Humble Correspondent to direct on departure.

Many decades ago a boy passed away in our school. I was older than he but had tangled with him once so we hardly would count as bosom chums. Even so, when time for the remembrance I gave audience.

A few hours prior, some hot little blondie was complaining (as hot little blondies are wont to do). She didn't understand the reason we needed to deign show at all, saying, "I didn't even know him!”.

Well, my own experience was a single time of nearly going fisticuffs — YET THAT WASN'T IMPORTANT.

See, kids, you don't attend a Funeral for the deceased; you attend a Funeral for those left behind.

That day? I was not going because I figured ghost boy would be watching in the rafters a la Huck Finn.

I was going for the family. His Mother. His Father. Anyone else close to that child. They needed to know, or at least believe, their dear little scion was beloved by all the school — a saint amongst students.

Why not give that to them? While I may be The Most Evil Man Alive, at very least I know that much. And knew it then. And berated our little taut blondie until she was weeping sorrowful tears over her remarks. (And she attended the wake accompanied by all her little tart-in-training coterie of gals.)

Bottom Line…Go to the gathering. Even if you barely knew the kid. Or Man. Or Woman. Whatever. Just go.

Okay, so I've taunted you into heading to the Funeral Home to sacrifice a full ten minutes of your time.

Except contrary to the whole "Be A Decent Stand-Up Fellah” routine now I'm gonna switch it on you.

If it's a young person, you'll be walking near the casket to greet his Mother and shake with his Father. If it's an adult person you'll be doing the same with the Widow and a Son or Daughter. If it's an elderly person you likely shall be consoling the Children or possibly Grandchildren. Most will be crying.

So now is NOT the moment to tell some yarn about…”that one time”. I know. I get it. You want to wax lyrical and poetical and try to ease their suffering. Still not the moment.

Any psychological strain is immense for the survivors and they may be meeting dozens or hundreds of mourners. (I once was attending a similar ceremony and was there nearly EIGHT HOURS…thus…yeah.)

Fortunately, I've got you, sonny. Here is EXACTLY what you say to whosoever you meet:

"I'm very sorry for your loss.”…then add a CURT tribute…”Jimmy always had the best laugh.”…”DeShaun always knew the right thing to say.”…”Carlos always was the most honest.”

You get me? Beat One, convey empathy. Beat Two, extend solace. One, care. Two, compliment. Finis.

If there is some genuine sentiment you want to share with the family later? By all means. They will appreciate your consideration. But the proper venue for that is a letter two weeks after interment.

Bouquets are expensive. I know it. Florists will cheat you stupid. I am cognizant. Petals wilt. I agree.

The arrangement is used for about ONE DAY then your hard-earned gesture is tossed. Correct again.

At times such as these I am reminded of a film in which Adjacent Friend informs Leader Friend he is not of a mind to accompany him in the automobile looking for trouble. To which, Lead Friend replies,

"I have heard your concerns and I acknowledge them…now get in the f*cking car.”

I am the foremost to assent the entire floral industry is a racket. I loathe the whole system. Yet, culturally speaking, sending a bouquet to the Funeral Home makes a difference. It's very important.

A few years ago there was a physician friend who passed away. We had not seen each other in several decades. Had not spoken in a few decades. Even so, no doubt — I sent that arrangement immediately.

Whether "flowers” are an idiotic anachronism of remembrance is not up for discussion. If someone did right by you at any time, you do right when the time comes later on. It's an honorific, That simple.

Anyone who knows me knows I have many friends who do things for me…and why? Because they know I never forget and I always repay (typically with interest). So if a fellah passes I show respect.

That's what a Man does. People will watch, and people will remember. This is how they will know you.

Seriously. There is no greater sign of a boy without a Father than some spindly youth at formal occasion dressed in blue jeans (or Heaven Forfend, "cargo shorts”).

It makes no difference how tight money is for you, EVERYBODY can afford a suit…black, by the way.

Go to the Goodwill. Go to the Discount Wholesalers. Go to the Mission. Go to your Rabbi-Priest-Imam.

Explain the situation and someone will help you. Remember, you need not be Beau Brummell, doll. You're only getting a plain black suit to wear a single time if need be.

Whether you agree or disagree, this is one of the moments which distinguishes you as a Man.

Every soldier wears a uniform. Every mourner wears a suit.

Be the Man you want other men to emulate.

There is a disturbing modern trend of not having a Funeral in favor of a Sissy "remembrance” ceremony or whatnot…so the following may not apply.

Except, if there is a Funeral, when you attend the service graveside you remain until the bitter end.

By which is meant, assuming you are not a direct relative (i.e. Son of Deceased, Father of Deceased) you MUST endure after everyone has departed.

Whether rain or snow or frigidity…as the Man in presence it is imperative you conspicuously wait as the gravediggers complete their task — watching in silence until the last shovel cast over the maw.

Then when you retire to whatever gathering afterward (usually at a Hall or the home of someone) you discreetly locate the Head of the Family (or Direct Line relative) and quietly whisper you stayed until the work had been completed to ensure things were done properly.

That is something no one ever tells you to do…save for your Father.

Sound foolish? If so, you haven't lived very long. When the time comes, you will desperately want someone responsible to make similar care in your interests — a small gesture to provide eventual relief.

Also…what? You're so important you can't donate an hour to do the right thing for someone in need? You ain't so vital any turning of this earth as you might believe, my friend. Rich or poor, large or small, you always have an hour to evince being a Man.

Even if some of these instructions (NOT recommendations) seem onerous, there is a reason for ritual.

Your ability to rise to the occasion not only distinguishes yourself but likewise aids those around you.

Think not? Hear me, because you're about to learn one of the most important things ever in your life:

Sometimes "That's the way that it is”…is all that there is.

Spare me any logic or rationality in terms of the above because all too often "clever” is a cute term for regret. Nothing listed here will cost you more than you can earn in a single afternoon.

After all, the best you can do these days is find someone you can reasonably trust and follow what he says…whether that person be fellah, friend or Father.

Guy Somerset writes from somewhere in America.

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