Requiescat In Pace Prime Ministerial Shame

It is with a profound sense of incontinent hilarity that NHJ! announces the retirement of Australian Political Satire, who this morning cited 'personal reasons' when asked what lay behind his surprise decision to flee public life prior to the next Federal election. Pressed on rumours of a breakdown of his fertile 30-year marriage to the political columnist Underlying Serious Observation - who has also recently announced her departure from Canberra - Satire acknowledged that both he and his partner's careers had suffered lately as a result of what he would only describe as 'current affairs', before adding that in his case he saw 'no point in carrying on now anyway, given that all the most audacious lines have been nicked by the Straight Men.'

Asked to comment on the unexpected retirement, the Prime Minister declined to moralise on what he said were purely 'private' matters, but did urge Satire to reconsider his decision:

Mr Howard said he did not want to comment on Mr [Satire's] private life, but stressed he was a good member of parliament. 'The question of difficulties in his marriage is a matter between him and his wife, I wish them both well, I don't want to talk about it,' he said.

Mr Howard however added: 'I have often said that a stable, functioning, united home and marriage is not only the best emotional environment in which to raise children, but it is also the best and most efficient social welfare system that mankind has ever devised. So that is why I've had no hesitation in arguing the case and I've no hesitation in asking the parliament to make a decision on this issue in the next two weeks...If people who criticise me say oh well, it's just a political diversion, well I would say to them, although it is not, I would to say them well remove the diversion by putting the law through before the election starts, and that is... it's not a wedge, it's a genuine expression of view.'

But Mr Howard reiterated: 'Well, Laurie, I don't really want to get into it. I mean, this is a matter - although he's spoken publicly of it, it is a private matter, and I'm not somebody who gets into moralising. And all I can say about [Mr Satire] is this - that he is an extremely hardworking dedicated member. And I would say to the voters of Parramatta if you want an energetic, hardworking representative, vote for [Australian Political Satire].'

That was the week that was. Meanwhile, in other political news just in:

I'm a teapot. I'm a teapot. I'm. A. Teapot.